Workout: 1 Hour Kickboxing
Who knew I’d make it to day forty!?!?! I have this overwhelming sense of pride that I have not given up! That and my entire perspective on life is starting to change. I realized last night that I was smiling and laughing during my kickboxing class. The old version of myself would have been complaining and saying “I can’t” a lot. I went with my coworkers but found myself making friends with others in the class as well. The old version of myself would have hid in the corner trying not to be noticed. Then, again, this morning on my commute to work I noticed myself smiling a lot and just generally being a happier version of myself. It probably doesn’t hurt that the weather is an amazing 71 degrees here in New York City either but I just feel myself changing and shifting into the person I dreamed of being mentally, physically and spiritually. It’s truly amazing!
Pretty extreme change from my last post, right? I think somewhere deep inside my soul I finally decided to let the “fat girl” go and although the transition will take more then two days there is already a change at how I am approaching my life and all that is included in it. Will there be hard days? I’m sure of it. Yet somehow I think if I make this decision, for myself, those hard days will start to become fewer and fewer and those that do still occur will be easier to handle and get through. In some weird way my weight is the last chapter of closure for my adolescence. I put the weight on to deal with some pretty harsh realities and taking it off is me closing that chapter of my life and saying okay it’s over, I’m putting it behind me, I’m letting it go so that I can finally move forward and live freely without all this emotional baggage. Honestly, the healing of the mind was a lot easier to conquer then the healing of the body.
Just like any other substance abuse problem I used my substance, food, to self medicate myself. To shut down any kind of feelings I had by comforting myself with sugar, salt and anything white and fluffy. I put the weight on to hide from my problems, to hide from the hurt and to hide from compliments or anything positive. What I didn’t know at the time was that what I was covering up would be far easier to heal then healing what I was doing to my body. In the past 8 years I have done a lot of growing and healing of my mind and have moved forward in so many great ways. I’ve even made great strides with losing weight. That is where the closure part comes in. This is the last step for me to get me back to my prime with a new mind, new body and new outlook on life. I have never been smaller then I am today and it’s scary. This weight loss is bigger then pounds and dress sizes this is the end of something and the start of something new. It’s like saying goodbye to something that was so close to your heart and just letting it fall to it’s place in your past. It’s some strange combination of sad, scary, new and exciting.
Weight loss is definitely a large part of this journey that I am in but the self healing, self discovery and self improvement aspect is absolutely mind blowing. I’m sure if weight loss were my pure goal here I would be losing more weight and would be focusing more on doing more and eating less but instead I am changing my life. The weight may come off slower but it is coming off and I am making changes in both my mind and body that will last forever. This isn’t a crash diet, it isn’t a roller coaster of gaining slowly and losing quickly, this is a slow, steady, hike up a mountain working my way up to the top so that once I’m there I can enjoy the view. I am so excited that it seems to finally all be falling into place! I seem to have somehow been able to stop comforting myself with food and to start using exercise as a platform for my mental health instead. I’m now, dare I say, finding my comfort in exercise and using it as a release for negative feelings and stress instead of eating to bury it all.
I have given myself the absolute best gift in these forty days. Not only am I seeing results with a lighter body but I’ve achieved a lighter mind and the ability to enjoy my life as it is in the here and now. More then that I’ve found a deep and true respect for myself and also for my past and I’ve come to realize that I can enjoy the journey and not rush to the destination. Hello life, I am all yours again!